Despicable Me 3--The Junior Novel Read online

  Margo and Edith led Lucy up into the tree house to a table set for two. Gru pulled himself up via a pulley system. Once they were settled, Agnes placed two bowls in front of them containing some sort of soup.

  “Looks too good to even eat!” Gru said, staring at the bowl in front of him.

  Agnes frowned. “But I made it for you.…”

  Gru shoved a giant spoonful in his mouth, trying to keep the smile on his face. “Mmmmmm…,” he said, slapping the table. “Good soup! I love the combination of gummy bears and meat!”

  “I’m gonna hold it in my mouth,” Lucy said, “because it’s so good I don’t want to swallow it.”

  “How was work?” Margo asked.

  Gru and Lucy exchanged a worried look. Then Gru cleared his throat.

  “Well, actually, today Lucy and I were invited… to not work at the AVL anymore.”

  The Minions stopped playing their song. The whole yard was quiet.

  “You got fired?” Margo asked, holding her hands to her cheeks.

  “Oh no! No, no, no.” Gru laughed then got suddenly serious. “Yes.”

  “But don’t worry,” Lucy jumped in. “I’m sure we’ll get new jobs real soon. Better jobs.”

  Edith, their middle daughter, scrunched up her nose. “What’s better than being super-cool secret agents?”

  “Oh, I know!” Agnes cried. “You could gamble online! That’s what Katie’s dad does!”

  “Okay, we will definitely look into that. Good suggestion,” Gru said, trying to comfort them. “And let’s not go over to Katie’s house anymore.…”

  Just then Gru’s cell phone rang. He glanced down, realizing that Mel was calling. He was definitely not looking forward to breaking the news to the Minions. He finished his dinner as slowly as humanly possible and then made his way down to his underground lair.

  He stood onstage; the cheering was so loud it hurt his ears. There was a sea of Minions in the audience in front of him, jumping up and down and shrieking with delight. Some of them pulled out their old blasters and weapons.

  “Guys, shhhhhh,” Gru called out. “I don’t think you heard me right. No, no, no, no, no, no, this does not mean that we are going back to being villains!”

  The Minions froze. They seemed upset. Mel, the leader of the Minions, marched forward and stared up at Gru.

  “Pinouf!” he yelled. “Flaku biko!”

  Gru sighed. “Okay, alright, I get it. Look, I know it’s been a little tough lately, especially with Doctor Nefario accidentally freezing himself in carbonite—” Gru glanced sadly at Nefario, who was encased in a block of carbonite. A few Minions were still trying to free him with a jackhammer. “—but our life of crime is over!”

  Mel directed Gru’s attention toward a large screen above the stage. He clicked a button on his remote and images flew past of Gru’s old life as a villain. The moment he stole the moon, the moment he defeated Vector, one of his battles with El Macho. Then there were other pictures right next to them: pictures of Gru riding a lawn mower; picking up poo left in the yard by his dog, Kyle; using a plunger to unclog the toilet—as if his new life were a lot less exciting. The Minions had a small point—he wasn’t so fond of cleaning up poo.

  “Ahhh, pffft,” Mel said. “Looka! Bueno… pinouf! Bueno… pinouf! Bueno… pinouf! Minions… no le pinouf!!”

  “Pinouf! Pinouf!” the Minions cried, chanting in protest.

  “Guys! Listen to me and read my lips!” Gru said. “Lissa me lippo, pomodoro la comquit!”

  The Minions burst out laughing. Gru hadn’t perfected his Minionese, but he thought he was at least close.

  “What? What did I just say?” he asked. “It’s not comquit? Okay, pomodoro la kumquat.”

  Now the Minions just looked confused.

  “Whoa, whoa,” Mel sneered. “Tudi se comquit para no. No le para yo.”

  “Don’t take that tone with me!” Gru cried. “We’re not going back to villainy. And I don’t want to hear another word about it.”

  Gru turned on his heel and headed for the door. But then PHBBBLT!!!

  There was a loud raspberry sound from the back of the room. Then another one. And another one. All the Minions were mocking him.

  “Look, if you guys don’t stop that right now, there will be consequences!” Gru yelled.

  Mel stepped forward, pointing up at Gru. “Aaargh! Puriquences, mi molo!”

  Gru pointed right back at him. “Don’t say anything you’re going to regret.”

  “Nori kaboss,” Mel yelled, throwing his hat on the ground. “Noori quitas! Ciao bello!”

  “What? You quit?” Gru asked. But Mel was already leading all the Minions out the door. “You’re serious?”

  They stormed out, ignoring Gru. One of them stomped on Mel’s hat. When they were all gone, Gru stared at the lair. He wasn’t used to seeing it so empty.

  FOOMP! FOOMP!

  The transport tubes spat Dave and Jerry into the lair. They were still wearing their Hawaiian gear—grass skirts and all.

  “Dave! Jerry!” Gru said. “Great news, guys—you’ve been promoted. You’re in charge now, eh? Not bad!”

  Dave and Jerry stared at each other, wondering if they’d heard Gru right. Could it be? Was it really possible that they’d be running the show from now on?

  They didn’t want to give Gru time to question it. They just pulled off their costumes and rubbed their butts together in celebration.

  “Yipa! Yipo!” they cheered. “Aruba-ruba-ruba-ruba!”

  The two ran off to celebrate, leaving Gru alone. He stared out the window, looking at the moon—the same prize that not so long ago he’d stolen for himself. Were the Minions right? Had his life become too good… too boring?

  “Hey, Gru,” Lucy said, glancing around the empty lair. “Whatcha doing down here? In the dark. Alone. You okay?”

  Gru rubbed his forehead. He wasn’t sure how much time had passed since the Minions left. It could’ve been hours.

  “Oh yes, yes, I’m fine,” he said. “It’s just… I don’t know. I guess I just feel like a… failure. Like I don’t have a purpose anymore.”

  Gru tried to turn away, but Lucy put her hand on his cheek. She always had a way of making him feel better.

  “Hey, mister,” she said. “You are not a failure.”

  “If only I could’ve nailed Bratt. So many times I almost had him! But now I’ll never get the chance. ’Cause I have been kicked to the curb.”

  “Gru, you’ve got to let this go,” Lucy said, staring into his huge brown eyes. “It’s time to look forward. Things will get better.”

  She kissed him on the cheek. Gru closed his eyes, wanting to believe her, but he couldn’t shake a terrible feeling. Maybe this was it for him. Maybe he’d never again do anything worthwhile.

  Had Balthazar Bratt been right? Was Gru the world’s worst agent?

  CHAPTER 5

  The next morning, Gru pulled on his robe and went to get the paper. He tried to keep Lucy’s words in his head. Things would get better. It was time to look forward. Who was Valerie Da Vinci to think she could end his career? He was so much more than just a secret agent of AVL who saved the world by defeating one evil villain at a time!

  He opened the door to find his dog, Kyle, gnawing away on the paper. Then he saw the headline.

  BRATT STEALS WORLD’S BIGGEST DIAMOND!

  “No, no—you’ve got to be kidding me,” Gru said. The Dupont Diamond was supposed to be safe in a guarded museum in Paris. They told him Balthazar Bratt would never be able to get to it, no matter how hard he tried.

  “Lucy, did you see—” Gru started, but he got distracted by Agnes. Agnes had set up a table on the sidewalk, and Dave and Jerry were helping her sell all her worldly possessions: toys, books, a vacuum cleaner, and even some pots and pans from the kitchen.

  Agnes handed her stuffed unicorn to a little girl. “He helps you if you have nightmares, and he’s really good to snuggle with—”

  “Oh no, no, no
, Agnes!” Gru cried, running toward her.

  “So take good care of him,” Agnes said as the little girl took off down the street.

  “Agnes,” Gru said, stooping down beside her. “What are you doing? You sold your unicorn?”

  “Well, I just wanted to help.” Agnes shrugged. “Since you don’t have a job. I got two whole dollars for it!”

  “Awwwww,” Dave and Jerry cooed.

  A well-dressed man walked toward them, stopping in front of Agnes’s table.

  “Sorry, buddy—sale’s over.”

  “But this will only take a—”

  “Hey, Eyebrows!” Gru yelled. “Get off the lawn.”

  But the man was still standing there, staring at them as if he had something to say. Gru thrust a vacuum cleaner into the man’s hands and pressed the button on the front.

  TCHOOOM!

  The vacuum took off like a rocket, launching the man down the street. Gru laughed and then turned back to Agnes.

  “Listen, Agnes,” he said sweetly. “You don’t need to worry. We’re going to be fine.”

  Agnes stared up at him with her big brown eyes. “For real?”

  “For real. Now come on, let’s pack this stuff up.” He stooped down, picked up a teddy bear and some dolls Agnes loved, and put them back into a box. He was about to put away the dollhouse when he noticed the man coming back. He was limping and a little tattered-looking, but he actually had the nerve to come back.

  “Seriously?” Gru asked. “Buddy, you’re not getting the hint.”

  “Ow, ow,” the man said, his leg obviously hurt. “Allow me to introduce myself—my name is Fritz, and OW!”

  Gru looked down, realizing that Kyle was biting his leg. But even that didn’t stop Fritz from continuing.

  “And I am inquiring… good puppy… on behalf of your twin brother, Dru.”

  “What? Twin brother?” Gru asked.

  “Yes,” Fritz said. “He would like to fly you to Freedonia to meet him. Your father has recently passed away and—”

  “Okay, cuckoo,” Gru said, twirling his finger next to his head like Fritz was nuts. “I’m sorry, but my dad died when I was a baby, and I don’t have any brother. You’ve got the wrong guy.”

  Gru grabbed a box and started walking away, gesturing for Agnes and the Minions to follow.

  “Really?” Fritz asked. “Well, then how do you explain this?”

  He shoved an old, wrinkled photo underneath Gru’s nose. It was clearly Gru’s mom. She was a little younger and seemed a little kinder, but she was holding two identical twin boys. They both looked just like Gru.

  Gru grabbed it from Fritz’s hand, unsure what to believe. Was that really him? And did he really have a twin brother his mom had never told him about?

  CHAPTER 6

  Gru had decided to go directly to the source.

  When he showed up at his mother’s palatial mansion, she was in the swimming pool, doing the backstroke with some handsome diving instructors. She had on her most flattering vintage one-piece, and she’d traded her signature red glasses for swimming goggles.

  “Ahhhhh! Bellissimo!” one with massive biceps cooed. His hands were under the water. Gru thought he was holding up her back, but he couldn’t be sure.

  “Oh, hello, Gru!” she said, giggling like a schoolgirl.

  “Hi, Mom…,” Gru’s relationship with his mother had always been hard, to say the least. How many times can your mother tell you you’re a failure before it starts to sting a bit?

  “It’s important to keep active in one’s golden years,” Gru’s mom said as another handsome man popped up beside her. “These are my diving instructors, Vincenzo and Paolo! Ciao, boys!”

  The diving instructors obeyed and left Gru and his mom alone. She turned to Gru and asked, “So what do you want?”

  Gru stared at his mom, unsure of how to delicately ask his question.

  “Mom, do I have a twin brother?” he finally blurted out.

  Gru’s mom stared at him, stunned. “How did you find out? Who told you?”

  “Wait, what? It’s true?” Gru asked. “You never told me I had a brother! And you told me that Dad died of disappointment when I was born!”

  That was true. She really did tell him that.

  His mom waved her hand at him. “Yeah, yeah, that was the agreement.”

  “Agreement? What are you talking about?”

  Gru’s mom plucked the old photograph from Gru’s hand and stared at it. She let out a deep sigh. “Shortly after you and your brother were born, your father and I divorced. We each took one son to raise on our own. And promised never to see each other again.”

  She crumpled up the photo in her hand and then passed it back to Gru.

  “Obviously, I got second pick,” she grumbled.

  She turned and went back into the house, not bothering to say anything else. Gru pressed the crumpled photo flat, smoothing it down on his leg. He stared at it a second time.

  The boys looked exactly alike. They had the same big brown eyes, the same long, hooked nose. They were even wearing the same outfit.

  “I have a brother…,” he said, letting the fact sink in. He had a brother.

  He tucked the photo back in his pocket and smiled.

  CHAPTER 7

  While Gru packed his bags for Freedonia, the Minions were on their own adventure. Mel and the Minions marched through the city. But after a while, they were tired, cold, and hungry. The Minions began to murmur and turn on their leader.

  As they paraded through the streets of Los Angeles, Mel tried to keep them happy. He spotted a pizza truck and ordered the Minions to follow it.

  “Pizza! Pizza! Pizza!” the Minions chanted as they raced toward the truck. They charged through a pair of security gates that marked the entrance to a movie studio backlot. They didn’t notice the guards screaming at them. They kept going, stopping only when they’d reached the pizza truck. They started grabbing all the boxes!

  “There they are!” a security guard yelled. He called for backup, and soon a handful of guards arrived to try to stop the Minions. “Hey, you! Don’t move! Stop right there!”

  The Minions scattered. Dozens ran into a soundstage, trying to escape. They made their way down a long, dark hallway, toward some bright lights. They turned a corner, and suddenly they were onstage, the spotlights shining down on them. Three celebrity judges sat behind a desk. It was some sort of talent show!

  One of the judges pressed a button, and the microphone in front of the Minions lowered to their height. Music started playing in the background. It was their time to shine.

  A Minion pushed Mel forward. He began singing a soulful song from one of his favorite musicals, The Pirates of Penzance. The Minions all joined in as more security guards rushed the stage.

  “Get ’em!” one guard yelled. “Go! Go!”

  But the group of Minions was determined to show off their talents. If Mel got to sing, why couldn’t they perform, too? They started doing the cancan. They lifted up their skirts, revealing smiley faces painted on their behinds.

  The audience went crazy. The judges stood up, giving the Minions a standing ovation, but the security guards were less impressed.

  “Hands in the air!” they yelled, surrounding the stage.

  Mel spotted them, and his face fell. He knew this was it—they’d been caught.

  “Uh-oh…,” he mumbled.

  CHAPTER 8

  Gru stared out the window of the private jet. The sun was shining, and there wasn’t a cloud in sight. It seemed like a sign that what Lucy had said was true—things would get better. And sooner than he had thought.

  “I wonder what Dru will be like!” Gru said, drumming his fingers on his leg. “Maybe we’ll have that twin thing where we can read each other’s minds. How cool would that be?!”

  “Um, super cool!” Lucy said.

  The parachute in the top of the plane exploded open, letting the jet ease toward the ground. They touched down in the middle of
the ocean on a runway covered with pigs. Big, fat, pink pigs, running and squealing in all directions.

  “Woo-hoo! Freedonia!” the girls cried as the jet sped toward a beautiful mansion with a pink roof. The rolling hills behind it were covered with cypress and olive trees.

  The girls ran off the jet. Several pigs approached them, oinking in greeting.

  “Hi, piggy, piggy!” Agnes said, chasing one in circles.

  “Whoa, look at that house!” Edith pointed to the giant mansion. It was covered in ornate gold accents that sparkled in the sun. The walkway to it was lined with white marble columns, each one with a pig sculpture on top.

  “It’s like a castle!” Agnes said.

  Gru dragged everyone’s suitcases off the plane, trying not to bump his head on the way out. He stepped down and took a deep breath, smelling the ocean air… and something foul. “What’s with all the pigs?”

  Fritz appeared behind him. “This is the family business,” he said. “The largest pig farm in the whole of Freedonia!”

  As he said it, a huge, ugly pig ran up to Gru, nudging him in the butt.

  “Okay, nice pig,” Gru tried. But the pig just nudged him harder. “No! That’s my private part!”

  He started running, but the pig followed. They ran all the way to the front door of the mansion, and Gru didn’t dare stop until he was safely inside. He slammed the door behind him, trying to catch his breath.

  The mansion was even more impressive inside. It seemed as if every surface was decorated with a pig theme. Two pink velvet armchairs had snouts and eyes. The bookcase had pig ears, and every column and railing was topped with a carved pink pig. There were even two dancing pig sculptures at the top of the stairs.

  “Oh, this is amazing!” Lucy said, gazing at the mural on the ceiling. “It’s like the Sistine Chapel. But with pigs.”

  They were so busy staring at the beautiful architecture that they barely noticed the man coming down the staircase.

  “My brother!!” Dru called out, opening his arms wide.